Genesis 4:7 If you do what is right, will you not be accepted? (NIV)
Life after Eden was even harder than Eve or Adam could have imagined. Eve got pregnant and gave birth to one boy and then another. And they named them Cain and Abel. And while childbirth was so, so, so hard, it still wasn’t as hard as raising children. Because although children are adorable and snuggly and delightful, they are also a lot of work.
For example, when their baby Abel got a stomachache, he stayed up all night crying. So in the morning, Eve and Adam were very tired and a little grumpy. And because they were tired and grumpy, they quarreled over whose turn it was to change his diaper. And they spent the whole day feeling tired and grumpy and angry at each other until finally they apologized during dinner. And though apologizing seems easy enough, it wasn’t. Like everything about living in this world, it was surprisingly difficult.
In the Garden, Adam and Eve never had to cook a meal. They simply plucked berries from thornless bushes, fruits from short trees, and honey from stingless bees. But in the world, the bushes all had thorns, and the trees were tall and rough, and the bees had stingers. Getting food was not so simple anymore.
But even after bloodying their hands plucking berries, and skinning their knees climbing trees, and getting stung on their face trying to retrieve honey, they were still hungry. The harder they worked to gather food, the more food they needed. The sweet berries, fruit, and honey were not enough.
Have you ever seen a lamb? It’s white, and fluffy, and oh so cuddly. Well, it’s something else as well. It’s tasty. And Adam and Eve were getting hungrier and hungrier. They needed fats, proteins, and meat to feed their hard-working bodies. And looking at the sheep, they started to salivate. Pretty soon, they were meat eaters.
And God taught them a ritual, so they would never forget the preciousness of life and the cost of survival. They had to give some of their sheep back to God. It was called a sacrifice. Abel would put a lamb on a rock, and God would send fire down to take the lamb back to heaven. It was a way to thank the animals for giving their lives. And also thank God for creating all the animals.
As Cain grew, he watched his parents mess up and make mistakes, and have to kill and eat innocent animals. They were always having to say “thank you” and “I’m sorry.” And Cain decided that he was going to do something different. “Maybe the world has fallen,” he said, “but I don’t have to fall with it. I don’t have to get tired or angry or grumpy. Nothing has to die in order for me to survive. I will be self-reliant. And I will never have to say thank you or I’m sorry because I will live perfectly perfect all the time, all by myself.” And so Cain became the first perfectionist.
Perfectionist, a definition:
A perfectionist is someone who is terrified of imperfection. They are scared of being late, or dirty, or wrong, or smelly, or rude, or any other kind of imperfect. When they do make a mistake, instead of looking at God and saying “oops,” they look at themselves and say “yikes!” Being a perfectionist is not easy. Because whenever you try to be perfect, you fail. Because you are not perfect. No one is. And if you are scared of failing all the time, you will find that it is very difficult to be happy or pleasant or nice or good. Which only makes you more imperfect. And so perfectionism is a burden that multiplies itself. The longer you carry it, the heavier it becomes until at last it crushes you.
Cain was a perfectionist. While Abel cared for a big herd of sheep in the field, Cain tried to sustain himself with a garden. He picked every weed, cut thorns, relocated briars. And Cain wanted his parents to see what a good job he was doing. When they complimented Abel’s newborn lambs, Cain would say, “Taste these fresh strawberries.” And when Abel cooked mutton, Cain would say, “How about another slice of tomato?”
Cain competed for his parents’ attention because he was filled with doubts. He was trying so hard to be good, but then he would feel flashes of anger, or sadness, or smell a whiff of lamb and want a bite. And he’d hate himself for these feelings and worry that he wasn’t good enough. And because of his doubts, he desperately wanted to show everyone his good works, and for people to say, “Good job, Cain!” and pat him on the back. Only then would he feel like he was succeeding. Only then would he feel good. But he never felt good enough.
And so he tried harder and harder. He tried to pray more, fast longer, memorize complicated scriptures, and sit perfectly still in church. Because the person he was trying to impress more than his parents or his brother was God himself. And so Cain decided he would get God’s approval in front of everyone so they would all know that he was really, actually a very good guy.
And so when Abel sacrificed another lamb and thanked the lamb for its life and thanked God for the lamb, Cain brought his own offering. But instead of an animal, Cain left out a large cornucopia of fruits, nuts, and vegetables. Their family would soon see that Cain’s offering was so much better, purer, cleaner than Abel’s. So everyone watched as the leaves rustled, the sun dimmed, and a fire came down from heaven, consuming the lamb. But all of Cain’s fruits and vegetables were left untouched.
“It’s okay,” Eve told Cain. “We like your fruits and vegetables.” And she tried to give Cain a hug. But Cain would not let her. Instead, he ran to his room, closed the door, and screamed.
And God came to Cain and told him not to worry so much. “You are trying so hard to be perfect. But all I have asked is for you to be good. And that is hard enough. Because the world is very messy. It is full of hurt and sin and suffering. It is all around you, all the time, and it is powerful. If you face it alone, it will eat you right up like a fire or a hungry lion. And you will become worse and worse. You must let go of perfection. Let go of the world you want and accept the world that is given to you. It is good, and you are good enough.”
But Cain was angry and yelled at God. “If we’re only ‘good enough,’ that’s your fault. You made us this way! It’s not my fault I get tired, or sad, or angry. It’s not my fault I need attention. It’s not my fault I get embarrassed and blush. You made me this way — broken and stupid like your world. It’s all your fault!”
And Cain ran from God. And he grew angrier and angrier and angrier. Angry at God. Angry at his family. Angry at his brother. And angry with himself. Angry at the fallen world. Angry that he couldn’t fix it. And the anger consumed him, eating away at his heart until at last Cain did something worse than he ever could have imagined. He invited his brother into his garden where the vines were overgrown so that no one would see what was about to happen. Then Cain turned and killed Abel and watched his brother’s blood seep into the earth like another slaughtered sheep.
And the blood poisoned the earth so that not even weeds could grow from it. And Cain ran and gagged and cried. And God came to him. “Cain,” God said. “What have you done? This is the worst thing a person can do. You were supposed to care for your brother, not kill him.”
When the family of Adam and Eve found Abel, they gasped. It was the first death and the first murder all in one. And Cain wept and waited for the inevitable. They would come for him. They would seek justice. And they would kill him. He was sure of it. And so he waited. And waited. And wandered and waited. But no one came to kill him. Not his family. Not God. They let him live. And who knows why. But maybe it was because there is already too much hurt and death and brokenness in this world. It is everywhere around us and inside us. There is no avoiding it. You cannot walk without stepping on it, you cannot outrun it or get around it. It is in the air we breathe and the food we eat. So much life has been given so that you and I can live.
That is our reality. But don’t hate yourself for being who you are. Don’t be scared to say “thank you” or “I’m sorry.” Ask for help when you need it. Try to do good, even when you want to do bad. See beauty in the world, even when there is ugliness. And when someone is cruel or mean or worse than you can imagine, try to forgive them and let them live.
You will fail sometimes — often, probably. But be brave, and try again. Do not let your failures consume you. Know that you are crammed, stuffed, bursting with goodness and badness. Know that you are broken and imperfect like the world you live in, and it will take more than a lamb to save you and more than a thousand lambs to fix this world. God himself would have to die. And because he died, you don’t have to be perfect. And because you don’t have to be perfect, you can just try to be good.
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