Ben Schilaty: Through a Glass Darkly

from A Thoughtful Faith for the 21st Century

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“For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known” (1 Corinthians 13:12).

It has not been easy to continually choose to move forward as an active member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. In many ways a path outside of the Church would seem logical given my life circumstances, which include being an openly gay, active, striving church member. And yet the few times I have considered stepping away, I have felt a divine pull to stay. My faith isn’t about ease, logic, or reason—it’s about fruits. My faith is grounded in the experiences that I have had. Pondering the scriptures and feeling my mind and heart expand. Attending the temple and walking out of those sacred buildings feeling spiritual strength and power. Praying for a miracle and feeling God’s love. Seeing my life improve as I follow inspired prophetic counsel. Connecting with fellow saints who enrich my life. But the fruit that most grounds my faith comes from my experiences with the Atonement of Jesus Christ, experiences that have often been facilitated through the Church. The restored gospel has taught me how to access God’s redeeming love, and I stay not only because I yearn for more of those experiences, but because I’m confident I still have so much to learn.

My belief in the teachings of Jesus Christ requires that I do some pretty tough things. Chief among those is forgiving those who reject me, misunderstand me, and cause me pain. I have had lots of practice with this aspect of the gospel. As a gay man, I embody a paradox that is sometimes beyond people’s ability to comprehend. Consequently, I have spent much of my adult life explaining my existence to individuals on all sides of the spiritual, political, and cultural spectrum. I often find myself asking, why am I always required to be the bigger person? Why is it my responsibility to demonstrate to those who reject me that I actually belong? Why do I have to respond to hostility with kindness?

In May 2021 I received a message from a woman named Jen. She explained that her husband Brent was planning their stake youth trek and they wondered if I’d be willing to be one of five speakers to address the youth. I don't love camping and the thought of using vacation days to spend a weekend in the woods with a bunch of strangers wasn’t terribly appealing. I also thought that the stake would never approve having a gay man talk to the youth about being gay. However, a few weeks later Brent called to confirm the invitation. Two months later I was on a plane to California.

I was surprised that local leaders had approved my visit. I’m regularly asked to give firesides and a fair portion of them get cancelled. If they don’t get cancelled, there is almost always some kind of hefty pushback. It is not uncommon for parents and leaders to complain, and sometimes General Authorities are called in an attempt to shut down such events. It doesn’t matter that I’m a BYU administrator. It doesn’t matter that I have a current temple recommend. It doesn’t matter that I am a high priest, serving faithfully in the church. It doesn’t matter that I have a book published through Deseret Book on the topic of same-sex attraction. None of that matters because I am going to talk about my experiences as a gay man in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. That’s a reality that many church members do not feel comfortable talking about.

When I arrived in California I learned that while the stake presidency was excited to host me, some parents were upset. Several families said that they would no longer be sending their kids on the trek if I was going. One youth cried, saying she didn’t want to go on a “gay trek.” One adult expressed concerns that I would encourage the youth to be gay. They were afraid of me and how I would negatively impact the kids.